It’s true what they say- love is blind, it makes you do things that are irrational, it makes you forget all reason, you put yourself aside to make the other person happy, even when they give you nothing in return. We get so caught up with the idea of being in love that we forget what it means, what it actually means.

And you learn, the hard way, that real love is a partnership- it’s not one person putting in all the effort, making all the sacrifices and the other just receiving. That’s the beautiful thing about love isn’t it, real love- two people working in tandem towards a goal, together- happiness, fulfillment, life. It’s like a tango- two people in perfect synchronism. In constant evolution. In perpetual awareness- of each other’s movements, the pulse of their heart, the grip of their hand on you, the flow of their footwork, without even realizing that you are aware. A constant weave of ebbs and flows, ups and downs.

But sometimes there are mis-steps, no one is perfect. You fall out of balance, out of sync. It gets messy, sweaty.

Love means you forgive, you work through your issues, you move past them, you forget, you turn a blind eye, you learn, you understand your partner better, you become a better person for them, you make sacrifices and compromises you never thought you would, you let your ego take a beating, you take risks, sometimes without the reward, and no matter the outcome and you learn to put your fears aside, because love is worth it. So they say.

So you love, unconditionally, because it isn’t easy, because it is hard work, because it’s all supposed to be worth it. You let things go. But then you find yourself tired, and exhausted and out of energy to keep fighting, with him, for him. You’re tired of waiting for him to tell you he loves you, to show you that he loves you. Tired of turning a blind eye, tired of forgiving and you start getting angry over the little things. The things that don’t matter. And you say things you don’t mean. You start doubting, and questioning is this really love, is this really worth it. You stop appreciating each other, you become bitter and angry and vengeful. And then love turns to hate.

And then he’s gone.

And you can’t decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. You miss him and you hate him at the same time. But it hurts too much and you can’t do it anymore you don’t even want to try, you’re tired of trying, tired of fixing, tired of it all. You accept that this is what he’s chosen for you and you try to move on.  You convince yourself that this is a good thing as you cry for him at night, as you try to push the thoughts of him further and further away. You find yourself wishing you could take it all back, that you could start over. But you can’t do anything about it and then out of nowhere he comes back and you think I can’t do this anymore- but deep down inside you want to, you want to run into his arms and never let him go. Because you love him, because you don’t know how to exist in a world that he is not a part of. But you’re scared and slowly his name starts flowing in your blood again, and suddenly he’s back in your heart and in your mind and in your thoughts and you just can’t be without him. You don’t want to. You don’t know how to. But you tread cautiously and you go slowly and you’re afraid to tell him how you feel because of everything that’s happened. You’re afraid, afraid that you will let him in again and that he will walk away from you, again. And you’re just not strong enough. Not this time. Not anymore. You just don’t know how much more you can take. But you know you don’t want to be with anyone else and lord knows you try but you Just. Can’t. Do. It. And so you pack a bag and book a ticket to tell him that you love him and you don’t want to be with anyone else. Ever. That you can’t imagine a life without him. You don’t want to wake up without him next to you anymore. You hate that he isn’t there when you crawl into bed. You hate not being in the same time zone. You hate that you can’t see his face and kiss his lips, that you can’t hold his hand or make love to him. And you have it all planned out in your head, how wonderful this is going to be, the best moments of your life. And you can’t wait to be with him. To be in his arms. To start fresh. To look into his beautiful eyes and tell him that you love him.

But something doesn’t feel right, something’s changed and you can’t quite put your finger on it. But something has definitely changed. And he keeps telling you nothing’s changed. Everything is fine. But you know in every cell of your body that it is not fine, and you keep asking him and he keeps reassuring you. Keeps telling you all the things you want to hear. That he wants the same things. And then it happens. The day you have been dreading, the thing that you felt creeping up inside you, the bad dream that you can’t wake up from. All the words you are not prepared to hear.  The fears you fooled yourself into believing were behind you. Not again. Please, not again.

One day you’re making plans and the next your life is falling apart at the seams and you can’t understand how you got here.  Maybe it’s just easier to destroy things then to make them work, it’s more fun to be dramatic then boring. Maybe it was never really love to begin with. Or maybe love really isn’t worth it.

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