You were my lover, my partner, my friend and for no other reason then my own selfishness, I turned my back on you. I threw you away. I made you feel inadequate, like you were the reason for all my suffering, the cause of all my troubles. Your happiness was my unhappiness, your strength was my weakness.
Unlike you, she has no expectations of me, as a man, a lover, a partner, a provider. Her world revolves around me. Her happiness depends on me. She needs me and I need this.
Life with you was an adventure. You opened my world to so much unknown, so much that I am unaccustomed to. And this scared me. You scared me. Your substance, your spirit, your intensity. You challenged me, you met me outside of my comfort zone and it unnerved me. It made me feel insufficient. Your world could never revolve around me because you are sufficient. You are a woman- full of potential and ambition, of hope and desire and of love. You wanted us to revolve together, in sync, in mutual parts. But our parts were never equal. I could never offer you what you could already offer yourself. I could never complete you because you are complete. I wanted you to need me more than I needed you. You could never need me and she can never be the woman that you are.
But you loved me, and you accepted me with all of my flaws and I rejected you for yours. I used them against you, to justify my actions, my behaviour. To turn my wrongs into rights and your rights into wrongs. You were defenceless, blindsided, weak- it made me feel powerful. I manipulated you in your vulnerability. You were fragile and I took advantage. I inflicted pain and doubt because it was easy. Because it felt good to have that strength over you.
I broke down our relationship, I broke you down and then I watched you fall apart in front of me and took your broken pieces to make myself complete. I took strength in your weakness, in your loss I gained, from your tears I triumphed, in your defeat I declared victory.
I blamed you for my insufficiencies, I blamed you for my troubles, I blamed you for my sadness. And it made it so easy for me to be with her, like somehow this was your fault. You didn’t love me enough. You didn’t need me enough. You didn’t want me enough. Even though all your actions said otherwise. You made me do this.
I abandoned you, I shut you out, and finally I cheated on you- I betrayed your trust, repeatedly, and still you never turned your back on me. You deserved so much better than what I was giving you, and even then you chose me. You believed in me, you believed in us. You wanted to believe that I could be that man for you. You wanted us to come to the table to the share the responsibility of our relationship, but I needed you to carry the responsibility of our relationship, of our lives, never willing to give more. You wanted me to be your partner through all of life’s situations. In me you saw kindness and compassion and beauty and I could only see black, discomfort and hurt when I saw you. And then I told you that I was ready to share the responsibility. I made you believe that I was ready, to have you come back to me, to invest in me again, to open you up- to more hurt, more pain, more suffering at my hands. I watched you unravel, at my expense, and I enjoyed it.
In my darkest hours you too abandoned me, when I needed you most. And then love turned cold. I found reasons to blame you, to wound you, purposely. To even the playing field, in a game that you didn’t know you were playing, with rules that you could never fully understand.
Instead of protecting you and loving you, instead of looking within myself, I blamed you and it was so effortless. I diminished our relationship, made it unimportant, less. I belittled you, I made you feel worthless. As though I couldn’t get you out of my life fast enough to start fresh with someone else. I wanted my happiness to hurt you, weaken you. I wanted you to know my hurt. I stood there fixing my hair in the mirror while you were breaking into pieces, because of me, because of my actions. Without remorse. Realizing that I would be better-off without you, knowing that I could exist in a world that you were not a part of. Wanting all of this. And still I made you come to me, to continue this charade, to inflict more wounds, to deepen the scars, to watch you ache. You used words to inflict hurt and I retaliated with actions. Actions that leave scars far beyond your words could. And then I used words to intensify the agony and the suffering. Words to extinguish your fire, to destroy your joy, to shatter your spirit, because I could, because I enjoyed it, because I could finally make you understand how you made me feel.
I told you I would be better off with her
I told you I didn’t feel good with you
I told you I didn’t trust you
I told you you were selfish
I told you you were too much of a risk
I told you that if I wasn’t with her I would take a chance on you
I told you we had gaps in our relationship
I told you this was a learning lesson for you
I told you you had a difficult character
I told you you were difficult to love
I told you that you only realized you loved me because of another woman. I should have told you that I realized I couldn’t love you because of another woman. Instead I put the burden on your shoulders.
I told you I didn’t believe that love was enough, that I was enough. And so I made you feel like you were not enough. I broke you down because it made me feel better. Stronger. Sufficient. Enough. But the truth is I just didn’t love you enough. And she offered me a new life, a new start, an escape-goat from my current situation, from everything I knew, from my despair, from my black-hole, and especially from you. I needed a reason to finally walk away from you, to end this relentless cycle of anger and disappointment and resentment, to end the torment. She gave me that.
I wish I had been strong enough to see how much you gave me, how much you loved me, how much you invested, how much you sacrificed, how much you compromised- but I was so convinced in my condemnation, so wrapped up in my contempt for you, that I couldn’t see it. I wish I had been strong enough to realize your weakness too, to know that you were doing your best. That you too were struggling. I wish that I had been strong enough to make it work instead of give up on you, on us- falling into her bed because it was easy, because she desired me. I had you up on a pedestal and then knocked it out from under your feet without warning. But I am not strong enough, and with her I feel things that I could never feel with you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be your happy ending, I’m sorry I had to find out this way, I’m sorry that things worked out for you like this. I am happier now, secure, comfortable- but I want you to know that there is nothing you could have done differently, nothing you could have said differently. This is not about you, this is about me. Because I felt that I could never give you what you need, because I was too afraid to give you what you deserved, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. You do deserve it.
One day I may understand the weight of my actions- I have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of life to live, a lot of experiences to experience- you would expect that from me. But you are no longer here.
– Σ –
N.B. I would have liked to have had some understanding of why things happened the way they did, an apology, something. I never did. So I wrote my own. I would like to say that it gives me comfort, but it doesn’t, it doesn’t make it hurt less. It just is. I can’t pretend to know what his reasons were, or the dynamic of his new relationship. I can only make sense of the pieces I know, the things he said to me and build from there. This is what I know.
N.B. 2 While I was writing this letter I was responding, in my head, to some of the things I was writing down on paper. The response letter is in a subsequent post Love letter.