A month ago I wrote my very first blog post- and the words started to come back, they started to flow. And then they stopped. They became jumbled in my head. Half ideas, scattered thoughts, wanting so badly to come out and not quite ready to be released. Sitting there, in intermittence, deciding. Let go, hang on, let go, hang on. Always somewhere in the middle, not here and not quite there. Looking for my happiness, but not really. Desperate to let go, but not really, desperate to hang on, afraid of what either means, wasting away in the in between. So much time wasted. So many tears shed. So much heartbreak. Surrounded by it, entangled in it. Stuck in it, motionless.
7 months now- when does it start to get easier, really. Ashamed that I’m still so affected. Weak. Tired. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. Tired of hanging in that very finite balance of sadness. Were we so unhappy. I can’t remember. I remember being happy, I remember being excited. I remember feeling like there was a world of possibility ahead of us. Was that even real. Is this real. I remember his name slipping off my lips, like a whisper- every morning, every evening, and every moment in between. And still now, in silent whispers, in fleeting moments, his name lingers, on my lips, in my mind, at the tips of my fingers. Right there, always just right there, but not quite. Not really. Not ever. Not now. Not then. It’s all a bad dream and I need to wake up now. Please, let me wake up now.
Somedays I forget to hate him, and the missing him becomes unbearable. Somedays I forget and instinctively reach for the phone and I stop dead in my tracks. Somedays I’m completely numb, and I don’t feel anything at all. Most days though I am consumed with grief, consumed by the memories, with the loss, the what ifs, the should haves and it eats away at me. The anxiety. The hopelessness. And I get lost in it. Unable to see a way out from all this- anger, sadness, rejection. Barely able to recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. Who is she, where did she come from. When will she leave. So sad, so pathetic. There are days when I feel like I can get through this, I can see an end to all this, it slips through my fingers though, unable to hold on to that feeling. Looking for one good thing to make all the bad feel less, bad. One thing to build on, a baby step, forward motion. But it never comes.
The last two weeks have been incredibly challenging, emotional- for no particular reason, or none that I can think of. Unable to put feeling into words and words into feelings. Of making sense of it- the words, the non words, this, any of it. Its all in my head somewhere, dying to come out. But like a toddler with a tantrum- I Just Don’t Want To! At least not this week, and not the last two either. It can’t stay up there, alone, forever. Eventually it will need to come out.
“Love is a lie whispered in the ear of a broken heart…a knife used to carve scars onto a soul…”