There’s no guidebook, no rules. You put your heart out on the line and you expect the person on the receiving end will do the same, will cherish you, protect you. Because the heart is a fragile thing, it grows exponentially and breaks easily, all of it out of our control (well mostly anyway). There should be rules.
No one ever teaches you how to deal with heartbreak, how to move forward from heartbreak, how to heal from it. No one teaches you how to be whole again. I wish they did. Heartbreak 101. I would have signed up.
I remember being in his arms, the salt of his skin fresh on my lips, telling me that he loved me, that he chose me. That he wanted to be with me, that he wanted to marry me, that he wanted to have kids with me. And then telling me that he didn’t. Just like that. Saying yes and then taking it back just as quickly as the words escaped his mouth. It’s the kind of hurt that keeps you up at night, that makes you wonder, where and how you will find the strength to keep going, that makes you want to disappear, into oblivion.
Nothing can prepare you, no one can prepare you. I have a pain in my stomach, it’s intense, debilitating. It’s because of him, because of her, because of me. It makes my insides turn inside out, it makes me nauseous, it turns my brain to mush and it makes my head want to explode. I’m sad that he didn’t love me enough, that he didn’t think I was enough. That I was worth it. Worth fighting for, worth holding on to. I thought he was. I thought we had something special.
There were so many days that I didn’t think I could get through the day, and somehow I did, everyday. I found the strength to get through the days and then the nights and to start again every morning. Falling into a million pieces and learning everyday to put the pieces back together. I don’t know that I have the tenacity or the courage to do this, to get out of this, to pick up the pieces and move on. But i’m sure as hell gonna try. Some people (ahem) would call that ego or pride (call it whatever you want @**hole). I’ll call that resilience, perseverance.
In the end, I want to be with someone who loves me, without conditions, through it all and who will cherish me, protect me. Someone who could never imagine causing me so much pain and who would never cause me so much pain. Who will spend his days making me into the happiest and most complete version of myself and would expect the same from me. Someone who isn’t going to be afraid of the difficult parts, or runaway from them. Someone who will walk alongside me to get through those parts. Together. So that we can fully enjoy and appreciate the uncomplicated parts, and the good parts will always outweigh the bad ones. In the end, I am thankful that he let me go so that I could find that someone, no matter how gut wrenching and difficult the thought of it is, because he could never be that someone.
I am working on getting to a point where I can say ok, this happened to me. And its ok. I’m ok. It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” Tupac Shakur